Why Ben and I Are Like Levitating Unicorns

It was our anniversary this last weekend. Seventeen years, and we don’t feel that old, but here it is.

The kids were at Ben’s parents’ for a sleepover, and we had the most relaxing time, eating out, going to the park, and talking about anything and everything, which happened to include me asking Ben for anniversary blog post ideas. It’s tradition, and I’ve done all kinds of things in the past, like anniversary ABCs, five things you might not know about us, 13 things I love about Ben, etc. I was feeling a bit dry for ideas this year, though. I thought it might be fun to interview Ben, but he thought that was too last minute and too much pressure, so I made him promise to do it for next year.:)

For this year, he thought I should write about personalities and marriage, and why our personality combination has been compared to”levitating unicorns”. He was referring to this blog post I sent him awhile back about why our Myers Briggs personality types work so well together:

For every Myers Briggs personality, there’s a counterpart that makes an almost perfect fit. The key is in the functions. Relationships struggle if people don’t have similar functions, or dominate functions that guide them. ENFP and INFJ being both highly intuitive people would struggle with someone who is more dominated by sensing. These two thrive on metaphors, abstractions, and the creative — trying to get them to be normal and grounded is like trying to make a levitating unicorn made of rainbows do your taxes.

I loved this article, because it described our relationship very well, but I’m also interested in the idea that everyone has someone who fits them just right, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship. At our house, Anika and I are finding it fascinating to look up different personality types to find out what type is their best fit – everybody has their own levitating unicorn!;) It’s possible to be friends with all kinds of personality types, but there’s one, sometimes two types that fit just right.

I’ve discovered a friend who has the same personality type as Ben, and it has been one of my greatest delights to get to know her – it’s as effortless as it is to spend time with Ben. To make it even more interesting, her husband has the same personality as me, so as couples, we’re just the opposite, and it’s been very interesting to understand our spouses better as we talk about things from a slightly different viewpoint.

But my favourite unicorn of all will always be Ben.:) Here’s a bit of what the article had to say about why Ben and I fit well together:

Both the INFJ and ENFP will feel instant attraction to each other. They both have pieces the other one desires. The INFJ wants to be understood and needs help coming out of their shell because they are the most rare personality making them feel constantly like their ideas and feelings don’t fit in with the rest of the way the group feels. The INFJ also struggles with being quiet because their dominate function is introverted intuition — their first objective is to take information introspectively. Until this hits their emotional center and their can translate the information out-loud empathetically, they tend to keep information to themselves. ENFP are primarily information gatherers, but through extroverted intuition. To the INFJ, the ENFP talks in the way the INFJ is taking in information. This is all very pleasing and creates an ESP effect.

The ENFP on the other hand feels a strong Fi-Si loop that they can stuck in. The ENFP is the champion and is wanting constantly to involve people, spread ideas, and get things in motion. But there’s this other more introspective side they have that they don’t always know how to convey, if they should convey it. The INFJ in being more introspective knows how to help the ENFP with their emotional growth. The INFJ knows how to encourage them and let them know it’s okay to have dark thoughts, to be a little serious, to have the crazy kind of depth. Both are obsessed with people and gathering information about people because their in the NF temperament.

One article described the attraction between our types as “a moth to a flame”. When I shared this with Ben, he immediately said, “You were the moth, and I was the flame. There was no way you could resist me.” But since my personality type is very rare, I’m pretty sure it was the other way around – he couldn’t believe he’d finally found an INFJ, even though he had no idea what that meant at the time – our inner unicorns could just sense each other.;)

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This does not mean our marriage is always perfect, though. When people say “Opposites attract”, this is true, to a point. It is also true that opposites can be annoying or frustrating sometimes. The same goes for the expression, “Variety is the spice of life.” Having no spice is boring, too much spice is gross or fiery, but just the right amount of spice is fantastic.

Ben is the perfect amount of spice for me, but that means there are ways in which he challenges me, and our differences provide opportunities to learn how to communicate better, and how to appreciate and take advantage of the other’s different strengths.

Ben is great at coming up with wild and crazy ideas, so he’s always helping me look outside the box, and see things from a different perspective. I’m the one who likes to think forever about all the details, so I can help him improve his big ideas, and ask questions that help him figure out how to make his big ideas work in real life.

He is more focused on connecting people and helping everyone have a good time, while I am more task-oriented, and focused on getting things done. Sometimes this leads to very different expectations and frustrations if we don’t communicate properly. I remember the first day after we got back from our honeymoon – Ben wanted a slow, relaxing morning, as if we were still on vacation, and I wanted to get up early and go shopping for a kitchen table, and get our little apartment in order. I’m sure the issue had come up before when we were dating, but it was our first married life example of how differently we approached things that needed to get done.

I am much more relaxed and less stressed than I was when we first got married, and Ben has learned to close cupboard doors and push in his chair at the table.;) Lots of give and take, and real life stuff happening in between our levitating unicorn moments.

So to sum it all up, I love Ben like crazy, and thoroughly enjoy him as much as when we first got married – actually, I think I enjoy him even more. We’ve been able to work through some of the bumps and challenges in our differences, and I’m so thankful for our relationship. He really is the most wonderful person to be married to – my beloved spicy unicorn!

Curious what personality type you are, and who is your perfect match? You can go to 16 Personalities, take the test, and then google your type + “best matches”. And don’t feel discouraged if you aren’t surrounded by people who are your “perfect” fit – like I wrote, we all need some variety! There are ways for all personality types to connect and find some common ground, and I’m finding Myers Briggs to be such a helpful tool for doing this!

 

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Personality Types

This post is part of a series, sharing my favourite products and discoveries from this last year. (You can find the first post here.) If you have any favourite ideas to contribute, please feel free to comment. Anyone who comments during this series over the next two weeks will have their name entered in a draw for an Amazon gift card. Let us know what you’re loving!

You guys, today’s topic is my favourite of all the favourites. It’s shaped my thinking in some big ways over this last year, but it’s a huge topic, so I’ll only be able to give you a bit of an overview. If anything peaks your interest, I’ll point you to some great resources so you can dig deeper if you’d like.

Today we’re talking about personality types and the Myers Briggs tool. Most people are at least familiar with this tool, so you probably know about it, but this was the year I dug into it and got a much better understanding. In case you’re not too familiar with it, here’s how it works:

There are 16 different personality types, but this doesn’t mean each person with the same type will be exactly the same. We give our personality our own individual twist, and there are many factors playing into it, but these generalizations can be extremely helpful in exploring how we think and respond to people and situations.

Each 16 types is given a combination of four letters which stand for words describing your personal preferences – Introvert or Extrovert, Sensing or Intuition, Thinking or Feeling, Judging or Perceiving. My letters are INFJ, and Ben is an ENFP, for example. Here’s what that means:

Introvert or Extrovert

Do you need to be alone to recharge, or does being with other people make you feel energized? “Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world?” (source) Although people have a preference one way or the other, people are usually a mix of the two. For example, I’m an introvert, but I really love people and don’t like to be alone for endless amounts of time. I need to be alone to recharge, and get super grumpy and overstimulated if I don’t get enough alone time, but if I’m alone for a whole day, I actually start getting depressed and feel very out of balance. Ben, on the other hand, is an extrovert, but says he would have no problem being alone for a couple of days. We are opposite in how we prefer to recharge, but because I’m an extroverted introvert, and he’s more of an introverted extrovert, we’ve found it pretty easy to find balance in this area.

Sensing or Intuition

Sensors are very present in the world around them. They take in information with their five senses and are very aware of their environment. They are focused on facts and experiences as they actually happened, while intuitives are all about reading between the lines and picking up on undercurrents. Their thoughts leap all over the place, they love new ideas, and they are more abstract. Ben and I are both intuitives, so our conversations go deep and wide, with lots of new thoughts to explore. Both of us use metaphors a lot to explain things. I find that most of my friends are intuitives, but I have great appreciation for the sensors in my life. My mom is a sensor, and there is no one like her when it comes to throwing a party. Sensors are all about holidays and traditions, and when I look back on my childhood, I can see how consistent she was with traditions that meant and still mean a lot to me. Unfortunately, I have a lot of trouble with repeating the same practice for my own family. I used to feel a lot of guilt about this – being a “good mom” meant being like my mom, but I just didn’t have the energy to do a lot of things she did. It’s been very freeing to discover this past year that a “good mom” can actually look many different ways, and when we spent Canada Day at the cabin with my parents,  I was delighted to let her decorate and make the whole thing beautiful and festive so we could enjoy the tradition without me needing to do all the work. I’m absolutely not lazy, like I used to worry about – I just have different priorities, and get excited, energetic, and motivated by different things.

Thinking or Feeling

When making decisions, Thinkers focus on facts, logic, and effectiveness, while Feelers focus more on people’s emotions, and think more about keeping everybody feeling happy, understood, and cared for. Thinkers still have feelings, and Feelers still think, but it’s their preferred way of processing. Ben and I are both Feelers, so things in our home are very focused on the deep conversations to get everybody connected. Anika may very well be a Thinker, though, because sometimes she’ll suddenly say, “Okay, I get it, can we stop talking about this now?” I used to think she was being totally disrespectful, and while I still think tone makes a huge difference, I’ve come to recognize that she reaches her limit for conversation on certain topics. Sometimes I’d feel a little shut down when she’d say it, but now I can understand that my efficient daughter is just ready to move on to the next thing, and I choose not to take it personally.

It seems that many times, hurt feelings come about because of these differences. Feelers tend to share thoughts and emotions which Thinkers don’t always connect with. Thinkers are more straightforward, and think all the fluff and emotions Feelers use to communicate are unnecessary and maybe even a waste of time. These are vastly different styles of communication, and I’ve seen (and felt!) these opposite approaches bring about misunderstanding and hurt where it was never intended. As a Feeler, I find it very helpful to have another point of view to examine when someone doesn’t respond to me in the way I expected and anticipated.

Judging or Perceiving

The easiest way for me to differentiate between these last two preferences is to figure out if someone has a “work before play” mentality, or if they just love to have fun anytime, throwing in a bit of work here and there, wherever it fits in best. Or make the work fun! I use judging, and it’s all work. I don’t want to even think about having fun until the to-do list is done, and then I can move on to the fun part feeling guilt-free and ready to enjoy myself. But Ben is the fun one in our home, and he’s all about turning on the music while we work, and thinking up ways to make it more enjoyable. Life with him has definitely made me learn to be less intense. Sometimes there’s a bit of frustration because I have a list and I’m on a mission, which is not his style at all, but it’s pretty much the only area where we have to work on things in our relationship. I read an article recently about what it’s like for an INFJ and ENFP to be in relationship, and it said we’re the perfect match, comparing us to levitating unicorns, which sounds quite magical to me. Our relationship is not perfect, but it’s pretty great! I’m very happy with my unicorn.:)

So all of that is only the beginning of the 16 personality types, and it can go in a million different directions. In the last year, I’ve used it to deepen my understanding of myself, my relationship with Ben, in parenting, extended family relationships, friendships, pretty much anywhere I interact with people. It’s been eye-opening and sometimes slightly uncomfortable, but mostly fantastic. Interestingly, not all personality types like personality typing! Some types see no use for it, while other types are drawn strongly to it. Ben’s type doesn’t like to put people in a box, but he sees some value in the tool. My type finds it a huge relief, because I finally feel understood and like I’m not completely weird in the way I respond to stuff!

If it’s something that interests you, the best place to start learning is by taking a free personality test here. I love the podcasts by Personality Hacker, which you can find here. The profile descriptions at this site are very informative, and to get a better understanding of what the difference is between Extravert/Introvert, Sensing/Intuition, Feeling/Thinking, and Judging/Perceiving, I really like the list format provided at this site.

The best book I’ve read this year is MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths (affiliate link). A lot of things started making sense to me when I read this book, like why I parent the way I do, my relationship with each of my kids, why I was the way I was as a kid, and our family dynamics. I’m just finishing it up now, and I’m eager to see how it will positively impact things in our home.

Earlier this year, I was searching for a book that would help me figure out how to survive as an introvert parent when I’m with my kids all day. I love them like crazy, but I was feeling overwhelmed because of never having enough alone time. I’d feel guilty when I took alone time because I felt I needed to be with them to be a loving, attentive mom! I couldn’t find a single book for introvert parents, which made me feel very frustrated, but then a friend mentioned this book to me, and it’s been so much more helpful than I was even hoping for! Because it covers all 16 personality types, as well as the different personalities our spouse and children bring to the home, it is very informative and useful for absolutely anybody interested in learning more about Myers Briggs. Such a great resource.

And a big favourite around here is the Myers Briggs Disney princess site, because it’s become vitally important to understand which princess everyone is most like, and it makes me Elsa, so it’s a big topic of discussion around here.

Are you a fan of the Myers Briggs tool? Bonus points to anyone who takes the test and comes back to tell me what you are! 🙂

 

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