When Church Hurts

Today I’m sharing another post from the archives. I’m speaking at a ladies retreat this weekend, and want to focus on preparing for the sessions I’ll be teaching.

I’ve re-posted readers’ favorites before, but those are not necessarily my personal favorites – the ones that came from the deepest part of me, and seemed to bring some kind of healing and truth to my life as I wrote them. I hope you enjoy them, the second time around!

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It seems as though there are many people who grow up believing that Church is supposed to be a safe place, filled with kind, loving people who love Jesus and never make mistakes.

Church is supposed to be a place where everyone is welcome, where there is always someone ready to lend a helping hand, and where we are safe to be ourselves.

That sounds fantastic. Really. But I keep hearing about situations where Church has not been those things for people. I just talked with somebody a few weeks ago who said he had “given up on church”. And that makes me so sad.

When Church is working well, it is a beautiful thing. But when it’s not working well, it is a heartbreaking mess.

What do we do with that? Church is full of people. Therefore, there will always be a bit of a mess involved. People make mistakes, and hurt others out of their own hurt, and do things in Jesus’ name that have nothing to do with Jesus.

And then people give up on “Church”, because Church is supposed to be safe and loving and the Bride of Christ. But sometimes the Bride gets nasty.

I used to be angry with Church. I loved Jesus, but the whole idea of “membership” seemed very ridiculous to me. Why would I want to be part of it? I saw a bit too much of the painful side of Church, the side that can destroy lives. I kept attending Church, but I had pretty low expectations. Church hurt me, too.

But there’s a song we used to sing when I was in Bible school. There’s a line in it that says, “Stand up Church with broken wings. Fill this place with songs again…”

Whenever I hear that someone has been hurt by the Church, that line pops into my head, and I have a picture of the beautiful Church, wounded. She was meant to fly, but she lies there broken.

When we see Church as needing to be the perfect place, filled with perfect people, who always meet our expectations in the perfect way, and always know what to say or do, and never make mistakes, or hurt us, or disappoint us, we have made it into something that it’s not.

We will always be disappointed by people, but we will never be disappointed by Christ. When we look for Christ in people, we will have love for them. When we look for Christ in the Church, we will find Him. He’s there, amidst the imperfection and pain. He hurts, too, along with the Church and with us.

When we look to Christ to meet our needs, rather than people or Church, we will be satisfied.

I heard a message by John Maxwell once in which he talked about happiness in marriage. He said that if we look to our spouse to make us happy, it will never happen. But if we look to Jesus to make us happy, our spouse will add to that happiness in infinite ways.

That’s like the Church. If my life is full of Jesus, it makes me so happy to meet with other Christians at Church. But if I’m expecting the people in the Church to meet all of my needs and demands so that I can then find Jesus, I am in danger of being very disappointed.

I believe that there is a place in the Church for people who can’t find Jesus on their own, and they need some help along the way. But true help will only come from being pointed in the right direction.

But let’s be realistic here – with thousands of years of hurt and bitterness involving the Church, a few little words typed out here is really not going to solve the problem. And that makes me very sad. I have a feeling that “the Church with broken wings” will remain that way until Jesus comes back. He will restore His Bride on that day.

And she will be beautiful, the way she was meant to be. Don’t give up on her!

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Have you ever been hurt by the church when you were expecting comfort and safety?

Three Things I Want My Girls to Learn About Pain and Suffering

There are many times when I am not the mom I wish to be.

Beyond the fact that I’m just plain human, and I mess up on a regular basis, I’ve also been living with some physical challenges which hold me back from all I wish to be.

Although I’m doing much to improve my quality of life, and eliminate the amount of pain and suffering I carry with me, the fact remains that each and every day, my girls get front row seats to this “show” – my show of how I navigate a life of physical challenges.

I am fully aware that there are many people who suffer far more than I could ever imagine. In the big picture, the discomfort I experience is not that significant.

But in all honesty, the daily pain I experience can make me cranky at times. It tempts me to feel sorry for myself. It keeps me from bounding out of the house with unlimited energy and enthusiasm to spend time outside, or do all kinds of fun, adventurous things with my girls.

And it hurts my pride, because I never want people to pity me in my weakness.

So I used to wish it away. But I’m slowly changing my mind….

I don’t know if I will ever like experiencing pain and discomfort, but I have seen the results of it, and I really, really like those.

I have never met anyone who wished for more sickness, or more suffering. And yet, I have repeatedly come across amazing, joyful people with great spiritual depth who have pain and suffering somewhere in their life story, either past or present.

Struggles can bring such strength, if we let them, but who wants them?!

So as I live this life with difficulties I would never have chosen, how do I set a good example for these little girls who see it all?

How can I be grateful, each and every day for this life God’s given me?

If I can’t be the active, energetic wife and mom that I want to be, how can I be what God wants me to be, right here, right now, in the midst of the discomfort?

What is my life of pain teaching Anika and Kaylia?

1) Compassion for those who suffer.

Maybe having me as their mom will make them sensitive. Maybe the idea of people living with pain will be more present in their minds, and they will become aware of how to help others, to come alongside them in their pain. Maybe they will be more grateful for their own health, not taking it for granted, and allowing it to fuel their desire to help others.

2) Healthy choices for their future.

I spent many years making poor choices regarding exercise and diet.

When I was in junior high and high school, “sports” basically meant volleyball and basketball, both of which I couldn’t stand.

Turns out, I love yoga and cycling. But it took a major wake-up call for me to start exercising, and exploring what physical activity I enjoyed as an adult.

And food? Chocolate and carbs (ideally chocolatey carbs!) made up the majority of my diet in college. That same wake-up call got me eating peppers in every color, sweet potatoes, eggplant, and cucumbers in astonishing amounts.

I hope that our girls will learn to enjoy physical activity, eating well, and taking care of their bodies much sooner than I did.

They may not – everyone gets to make their own choices, and I made bad ones for many years of my life. But I’m hoping that Anika and Kaylia will make healthier choices because it’s what they see every day, and they get the “before and after” – they see firsthand what happens when someone does not take care of their body.

John Maxwell shares about his heart attack in his book Make Today Count. It dramatically changed the choices he made on a daily basis, and I love the following quote:

…Men who survive an early heart attack (and learn from it) often live longer and healthier lives than those who never suffer a heart attack.(Maxwell, p.24)

Hardships can cause us to rise up. We can become stronger as we face difficult challenges.

If my health came easy, my girls would not get to see the choices I’m making in this difficulty.

3) Acceptance for whatever God allows into their lives.

Every day, my attitude says something to my girls. I know they can’t possibly understand what pain or discomfort I put up with, and I don’t want them to, but they will know how I choose to face the day.

Do I search for the joy in it?

Do I enjoy the little bits of progress I’m making?

Do I stop to notice the sunshine, and the colors of vegetables or the blue of the sky?

Do I look into my girls’ eyes and truly listen to what they’re saying?

Do I choose to have a good attitude again and again, even when I’m tempted to give up and feel sorry for myself?

I want to live this life well, whatever it holds.

I want my Anika and Kaylia to look back on our home as being a wonderful, happy place, and know that I chose to make it that way, even if it was difficult sometimes. (But I definitely have a lot of work to do in this area!)

In her book, The Resolution for Women, Priscilla Shirer writes,

…You can trust that He has planted you right now in the place where you will be the most personally productive. Even it you may not be inherently pleased with the person He’s made you to be, even if you may not be abundantly happy with the circumstances you’re currently living, you can be sure that God has planted you here with design and intention. He has selected the “soil” where you’re presently growing. Every kind of season and weather you experience has had to pass through His fingers before coming into contact with you. It’s all been divinely designed to surround you with the conditions that allow your unique gifts and abilities to reach maximum potential. To grow. To yield. To produce. ( Shirer, p. 56)

I want to live this life to the fullest – right here in my present situation. It doesn’t matter at all that I wouldn’t have chosen it – it’s what I get for right now.

I choose to accept and appreciate all that’s happened in my past.

I choose to embrace today.

I choose to work at making tomorrow different.

And even if it’s not different, I still want to choose a good attitude.

What impact will that have on my girls?

I have no guarantees, but it seems as though it should be a good one.

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What’s your area of difficulty and struggle? Are you learning from it? Any lessons you hope to pass along to those around you?

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And a quick reminder that you still have a few days to enter the draw for Priscilla Shirer’s book The Resolution for Women. Leave a comment about someone who inspires you. Who do you look up to you? Who do you admire, and why?