A Day in the Life

I used to do a “Week in the Life” photography project every year, back in the days when I had less children+more energy. It was a fun challenge to find ways to document normal life in creative ways, and I love how my kids still page through those photo books regularly.

But those weeks were pretty intense, so the project shrank to a “Day in the Life”, and then when Everett was born, I stopped it completely.

I was always meaning to get back to it, but somehow Everett is six, and I never have. But it suddenly hit me the other day – this is Anika’s last week of homeschooling forever, and our routine is going to change, so it seems like the perfect time to jump back in and document life right now. I want to remember the normal, little things that don’t seem particularly special or important, because when we look back on these things years later, I can see how our family, our home, our life are shaped by those little things.

So here’s what life looks like right now:

6:40 Ben’s alarm goes off. He ignores it and goes back to sleep. I start my morning with meditation. I started meditating every morning last October, after reading Emily Fletcher’s book “Stress Less, Accomplish More”, and I love it. It takes 15 minutes, twice a day, and it makes a difference in ways I don’t even understand, but I’m hooked.

7:00 Everett calls for me. He’s not allowed to call before seven, so I have no idea what time he actually wakes up, but he says he likes to think while he lies in bed. He always wants a snack + stories. “The Alien Adventures of Finn Caspian” has been his favourite podcast for a long time.

7:15 I do my morning routine stuff – water, supplements, essential oils. I eat some fruit while I do my journaling and Bible reading. Ben goes for a run.

7:45 I do some physio exercises while listening to a podcast episode – usually a message from Bridgetown Church. Right now I’m listening to a message on marriage. (Main point: Marriage is not for the purpose of experiencing happiness. Happiness a great byproduct of a healthy marriage, but God did not tell Eve to go make Adam happy.)

8:00 Everett comes out of his room, always dressed in a monochromatic outfit these days. Kaylia “whistles” for me at 8:15. (Note: She does not actually know how to whistle, she just calls out “Whoo- hoo” really loudly which is what she thought whistling was when she was three years old.) I go in to give her a hug, open her curtains, and nag her to drink water, because I think she lives in a perpetual state of dehydration. Anika is usually up and ready to start school between 8:15 and 8:30.

8:30 Eggs + sauteed kale for me, peach oatmeal for the kids. The girls eat breakfast while they start their school, and Everett just eats all day without stopping.

9:00 Everett plays games by himself or builds stuff out of Lego while I help Kaylia with her school work. Anika is completely independent with her work, I just need to make sure she’s staying on track and not cutting corners. Not that she would ever do that. Ahem.

10:00 Kaylia finishes school really early, because a bunch of her subjects are done for the year already. She disappears to her room to read. Everett is still happy playing games, and Anika has a voice lesson over Zoom.

Ben is coaching online a few different times throughout the day – we can always hear his enthusiastic voice echoing through the vents in the house. We can’t ever hear exactly what he’s saying, but we can always tell when he’s coaching. If we need to know if he’s free to come up for a meal, Everett just goes and listens by a vent!

10:30 Snack timer goes off, mainly to remind me to give Everett one last big snack of the morning and then make him stop eating so that he’s actually hungry at lunch. Also serves as Everett’s signal that it’s time to stop playing and do some schoolwork. (He still sits on my lap to do school and it’s the best. Don’t know at what age this won’t work anymore, but I’ll enjoy it as long as I can!🤍)

11:00 After Anika’s voice lesson, we have one of our many “bed meetings” to discuss the rest of her day, and touch base on school work she needs to finish by Friday, grad party plans, and boy stuff, because… always. (Bed meetings started last year when I got adrenal fatigue, because I spent half my time in bed. She’d crawl into bed with me so we could talk about life, etc. for hours at a time. We have never stopped having them.)

11:30 I finish getting ready for the day, because I didn’t have time until now, and Ben comes in to brush his teeth between coaching appointments. We chat about our schedules for the rest of the day.

11:45 I tackle a bunch of physio exercises on my list for the day, Anika is doing school work, and Kaylia and Everett are on a huge game kick today.

12:15 I get my food ready for lunch, and Anika makes different food for everybody else. This is how we’ve decided to deal with all of my food restrictions. It’s too much work for me to cook two kinds of food for every meal, so the girls take turns making lunch.

1:00 After we finish lunch, Anika and I sit around for a long time, doing more planning for her grad party. We’re trying to figure out how to make her graduation feel special during Covid, and it’s proving to be quite a challenge with restrictions. We’ve planned three or four different versions of her party, depending on what the restrictions might be, but we’ve decided there’s nothing else we can do except wait and see. (That sounds all reasonable and casual, but actually we both got ticked off and frustrated, because the situation is a pain. So we decided to stop talking about it, because it’s pointless.)

2:00 We have “Rest Time” every day at this time. Rest Time means Anika spends an hour writing fantasy fiction, Kaylia reads in her bed, and Everett listens to story podcasts and eats snacks (of course). And I get an hour by myself to nap/read/do another round of meditation.

3:00 Kaylia and Everett go play outside for awhile, which gives me some more time on my own to do housework or more exercises on my list, if I haven’t finished by this time.

4:00 Everett picks some games for us to play, and we have a snack.

4:45 We go for a quick walk to the park before I start making supper. He likes to bike far ahead of me and then come back to find me.

5:15 I make stir-fry for supper, which all my children hate, but I love, and Ben is never picky. Usually I only make food the kids tolerate, but stir-fry is my exception.

5:45 We clean up from supper, make breakfast for tomorrow, and tidy up the house.

6:45 I play a game with Kaylia while Everett is mad, because he doesn’t like the game she chose, but he comes around and starts handing us pieces when we need them. Ben and Anika are busy with a project for school. She needs to spend five hours learning to do something new, so Ben is teaching her how to do everything on a car that she needs to know, like checking the oil, tire pressure, pumping her own gas, going through the car wash, having the oil changed – whatever is car related.

7:15 I hop in the shower while Ben gets Everett ready for bed, and then I read to Everett. We are just finishing up “Indian in the Cupboard”, and the ending puts the hugest lump in my throat. Ben reads “Lord of the Rings” to Kaylia. Then we get Kaylia and Everett settled in bed. Kaylia reads for an hour, and Everett listens to stories until he falls asleep.

8:30 Once the kids are in bed, Ben and I watch an episode of Suits while doing yoga. (We are in season 8, and Ben is kind of sick of it, but I am here for Donna and Harvey.)

9:30 Anika comes up to chat for a bit before she gets ready for bed, and I do a few more stretches.

10:00 Ben and I do all of our evening routine stuff, and climb into bed. He wants to read, and I want to talk, so we do a little of both. We go to bed much earlier than we used to – Ben says it’s because we’re getting old, but I think it’s because we’re getting smart.🤓

And that is a normal day around here!

*Observations:

• We play a lot of games.
• Everett eats a lot.
• Next time I’m using my good camera, because it is worth the effort.
• No one in my family ever wants their pictures taken. Ben is okay, but not excited. Six years ago, everyone was much better with pictures. Next time there will be more pep talks/bribery, because again, it is worth the effort.

Year in Review Video (2020)

We’ve been making these little “Year in Review” videos for 10 years. 10 years!! That feels significant.

We always love going back and watching the old ones. In fact, we decided this year that our New Year’s Eve tradition is going to be watching all the videos together as a family. It’s a new twist on the tradition my family had when I was growing up! We’d get out the slide projector, and look at all the slides from past vacations, and the grainy ones from when my sisters and I were babies. We’d beg for more and more, and somehow remembering the quiet hum of the projector and the screen bathed in warm light still feels magical.

These little videos are missing some of that magic, but they are still really special for our family.🙂

Something new this year: Ben picked the song. Usually we choose one as a family that everyone liked listening to the most, but this time, it was all Ben. He played this song so much in 2020 that all the kids would groan when they’d hear it! But this did not discourage Ben one bit – he’d be grinning and doing all his dance moves in the kitchen.

This may be my favourite video yet. I love it because it’s such a great reminder for me that even though 2020 was tough for a bunch of reasons, there were still so many good, special memories! We worked really hard to make it good, and to soak up all the time together with our little family. This video is my collection of the good times, and they mean so much more because we chose to find the joy.

(Here’s the rest of our collection: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019)

Three Memories From the Summer I Met Ben

I’ve been thinking a lot about the summer I first met Ben. I think it’s been on my mind because I was 19 years old when I met him, and Anika is turning 18 this year, and that is all a lot to take in!

Ben had almost no hair when I met him, because he’d spent a couple of months tree planting and had shaved his head for the occasion. I preferred boys with hair. He also had a girlfriend, and both of these were factors as to why I wasn’t planning on paying much attention to him that first summer at camp.

But then we were put in charge of teaching canoing together for the whole summer, and it took about two seconds to realize that we got along very well. We became friends right away, because his hairstyle and his girlfriend did not hinder anything in that department.

When I think about that first summer of getting to know Ben, I have a collection of memories – my little glimpses of who Ben was and still is, and all that makes him my favourite person on the face of this earth. I have lots of memories of hanging out with him and having fun together, but I have three memories in particular that made me stop and pay attention – when it almost felt like time slowed down just for a little while, because I felt like I was seeing something important. And I was. I was seeing Ben.

Memory #1

We had only known each other for a couple of days at camp when something horrible happened. Campers hadn’t arrived yet, and we were in the midst of staff training, when a little girl who’s family lived at the camp was playing with her brother, and ended up getting lost. The entire camp was searched, and then we had the awful task of searching the water front, linking arms and swishing our feet through water and seaweed, desperately hoping we wouldn’t find anything. After that, we spent hours tramping through the woods in long rows, searching and calling her name.

It was a horrible, tiring day, and I can still see the look on that mother’s face as she waited for someone to find her little girl.

We paused our search long enough to eat, and while all the summer staff were finishing up the meal, the full time staff left the dining hall for a meeting to figure out what to do next.

A dessert trolley was rolled to the front of the dining hall, and we were asked to serve ourselves, so more people could attend the meeting instead of serving dessert.

I don’t think anyone had a problem with this – it wasn’t a big deal to get up and grab a dessert, and we all thought nothing of it. But I remember looking up and suddenly noticing that Ben was making his way down the aisle with the dessert cart, serving desserts to the rest of the staff. I watched in surprise for a moment, before nudging my friend with my elbow and saying, “Look at that. You should go for Ben.”

The little girl was eventually found, safe and sound, and there was much relief. What stands out most in my mind from that day is linking arms with staff members to work together as we searched for her, the beautiful ringing of the bell to signal she had been found and we could stop searching, and Ben pushing that dessert cart down the aisle, serving everyone during a time of need, when we were all too stressed to think straight.

Memory #2

I had my 20th birthday about two weeks after camp started, and during that time, Ben and I had already become good friends. He knew all about my boy problems (there was a particular boy who was very confused about his feelings towards me, and I was not at all confused about how much I wanted to date him), so Ben and I would chat about this and that and everything else under the sun – the rising sun specifically, because we’d get up at 6:30am to go canoing when the lake was pink glass.

For my birthday, Ben wrote me a very nice note, and gave me a coupon for a free chocolate bar from the tuck shop, to be redeemed whenever I needed to talk about “silly boys” and other things troubling my mind.

Because the confused boy caused me a lot of grief, it didn’t take very long for the need to arise for my free chocolate bar + chat with Ben. I went to find him one afternoon, on the verge of tears, and tracked him down while he was mowing grass. He took one look at my face, and said, “I was just about to take my break.”

He walked me to the tuck shop, bought my chocolate bar, and led me to a picnic table. He listened so kindly and patiently, and it was only months later when he finally confessed that he’d thought all along it was a bad idea for me to pursue any kind of relationship with the other boy.

He didn’t tell me what to do, he just dropped everything to listen, and he made me feel seen and heard.

Memory #3

After we had been working at camp for many weeks already, Ben spent a week working one on one with a little blind boy. I knew by that point how good Ben was with larger groups of people, and how he could take charge easily and comfortably, but that week he poured all of his attention into helping one blind camper.

I remember coming down the path from the cabins to the large clearing where all the campers were playing volleyball and basketball, or heading down to the beach. There were people everywhere, but I caught sight of Ben with his blind camper, and I stopped short, just watching them. Ben was so patient, anticipating the boy’s needs and offering help at the very moment it was needed. And I felt like I couldn’t stop watching, because he didn’t know anyone was watching, and his kindness was so genuine.

Even though I wasn’t interested in being anything other than friends with Ben, I kept having these moments of realizing what a special person he was. I didn’t really know what to do with them, so I just filed them away in my mind.

It took a few months, but we eventually cane to a point where he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore, and I didn’t have confusing boy issues anymore, and suddenly all those moments of watching Ben made everything very clear for me.

Our first picture together, at a Christmas banquet a couple of months before we started dating.

That was a long time ago, and many things have changed since then, but some things have not changed at all. After 20 years of being married to Ben, he is still just as ready to serve, as eager to help out, as gentle and patient in the way he listens, and as great with kids as he was that first summer at camp.

This weekend is Ben’s birthday. Celebrating during Covid, when we can’t really go anywhere or do anything all that different from the usual is kind of tough, but finding things to celebrate about Ben is not hard at all.

3 Questions to Ask for a Simplified Christmas

This is the 20th Christmas Ben and I have celebrated in our own home, but I feel like I still keep tweaking traditions each year, trying to figure out how to make it more meaningful and memorable, without feeling stressed and frazzled.

In my quest for a calmer Christmas, I came across a book a few years ago called “Simplify Christmas” (which is sadly out of print). It included a list of questions to reflect on what would make this holiday most meaningful.

Even though I read it years ago, I still remember three of the questions, because they led to a huge realization: I didn’t actually like Christmas. I dreaded it every year, and these questions made me realize why.

I return to these three simple questions each year, to keep us on track, and to increase the enjoyment of Christmas, while calming the chaos. And it’s helped! I enjoy Christmas so much more than I used to.

They’re such basic questions, it seems unnecessary to ask them, but sometimes we get so stuck in holiday traditions that we forget why we do them, or stop paying attention to how they really make us feel. Maybe you’ll find these three questions helpful this Christmas, too!

What is your favourite Christmas memory from your childhood?

There were lots of things I loved about Christmas as a child, but when I really narrowed it down, I realized my favourite was our family’s candlelit Christmas meal.

My mom insisted it had to be in the evening, so it would be dark when we ate. There were always candles, we always listened to Frank Mills Christmas piano music, and we always ate fried chicken from Chicken Delight. Coleslaw and dinner rolls are more likely to make me think of Christmas dinner than a summer picnic! But it was the way it was. My mom did not spend Christmas in the kitchen.

When I listed these things the first time, I had a few big revelations: I was spending much more time in the kitchen on Christmas than I wanted to, we did not have enough cozy candlelight moments, and we had no piano Christmas music like the kind I grew up listening to.

I realized these were easy problems to solve! We simplified our Christmas meal by switching from a turkey dinner to roast beef. No bones to pick or mess to clean up like after roasting a turkey, and I could just throw potatoes, carrots, and onions right into the slow cooker, to have everything done at the same time, with no extra dishes. Much less time in the kitchen!!

We bought the Piano Guys Christmas album, which perfectly satisfied the desire deep within me for piano Christmas music.

That left the cozy candlelight glow feeling I loved the most. We were already eating our Christmas dinner by candlelight, but I decided that since it was my favourite, and stood out to me the most from all my childhood memories, we should have more of it. More of what I love = more love!

So we started a little tradition called the Christmas Eve Hot Chocolate Party. We set up a little table by the Christmas tree filled with sweets and hot chocolate (which is more sugar than my kids eat the entire rest of the year, so they think it’s a dream come true), and have a cozy little snack on Christmas Eve. (Bonus: it helps me feel less guilty about the fact that we will never have a sleepover by our Christmas tree. Nothing about that idea appeals to me.)

But the Hot Chocolate Party is magical.

It was incredibly helpful for me to use childhood memories to shift our own family’s traditions. Now that my girls are old enough to have their own Christmas memories from when they were younger, I’ve asked them the same question, and used their answers to make sure we cover all the things that are most special for them. They’ve said things like decorating the tree together as a family, opening presents on Christmas morning (and not waiting until later in the day), setting up our Christmas village ornaments, and decorating gingerbread houses. *Ben is not a fan of gingerbread houses, but preassembled houses are an acceptable compromise. 🙂

What do you enjoy the least about Christmas?

When I thought about how I felt about Christmas as a kid, and how I feel about Christmas as an adult, I realized that all the childhood magic was gone, and was replaced with stress and an overwhelming schedule. I had no time or energy to enjoy Christmas when it arrived, because I was too tired from getting ready for it.

It became clear that I needed to simplify Christmas so I have energy to enjoy it, and room to focus on why we are doing all of this on the first place.

Cutting out the turkey dinner was a great first step, but I needed more ways to eliminate the busyness.

My Christmas stress comes from three places: buying gifts, baking, and so many gatherings and events that I don’t have downtime in between.

I decided to make a strict rule that we would be done shopping by December 1 this year, and it has made the biggest difference. This is happening every year from now on, because it’s something I can control, and it is wonderful to have all our gifts taken care of by December.

Same goes for baking. I shared on social media about how I’m skipping the Christmas baking completely this year, but for next year, the baking will happen very early.

As I made these important deadlines for myself, I realized that I have been cramming all three of the most stressful parts of Christmas into the first three weeks of December! What a horrible idea!

This seems like something I should have figured out years ago, but the problem was I used snow as my motivation. I wanted to feel Christmas-y when I got ready for Christmas, and I don’t feel that way until it snows. But if it happens to be a year with hardly any snow before Christmas, I put off getting things done. I am placing my enjoyment of celebrating the birth of Jesus in the hands of the weather. That seems irresponsible and unpredictable.

I need a new motivation. I can motivate myself to get ready for Christmas early because I want to work first, so I can play later. It has nothing to do with when it snows. It has to do with earning my relaxing Christmas by finishing the work ahead of time.

So next year, I will start early, independent of when it snows, and I will remember that I can’t do everything at once, so I will start early enough that I’m not cramming it in during the busiest stretch.

Except there is no busy stretch this year. Covid took care of the busy schedule for me, and while I am enjoying how relaxed it feels, it’s a good reminder that Christmas without people to celebrate with feels empty. When all the gatherings come back next year (hopefully!), I will be thankful for the perspective this Christmas has given me.

What do you enjoy most about Christmas now?

Happily, my work from the first question has paid off, because I realized this year that what I’m looking forward to most is our Hot Chocolate Party! I love it more than Christmas day itself, and it makes sense, because it includes all the magic from my favourite childhood moments.

Opening presents on Christmas morning feels a bit weird to me, but that’s one of Ben’s meaningful Christmas memories, and I’m happy to get on board with it. Our Hot Chocolate Party is a great way to make sure I get my cozy Christmas-y evening, and he gets his exciting morning. We all get our favourite kinds of Christmas moments wrapped up into one holiday. ❤️

And now I’m really curious how you would answer these questions! What are your best/worst Christmas moments, and your favourite childhood memories?

6 Things I Learned This Fall

Even though it’s December, I feel like I can’t fully turn my focus to Christmas until I’ve taken some time to reflect on what made fall great.

Emily P. Freeman is so good at providing inspiration and reflective questions on her blog, and I’ve found it so helpful to look back and think about what I’ve learned, what I’ve enjoyed, and what I want to remember for seasons in the future.

Here’s my list for this fall:

1. Soup Saturdays save my life.

The greatest gift I can give myself right now is a quick and easy way to make lunch. Our mornings are full with homeschooling, and no one has time to worry about making lunch.

So this fall, I decided to make Saturdays the day the magic would happen. Every Saturday, I cooked a big batch of soup, and suddenly I had lunch ready for days at a time. Sometimes we have sandwiches instead so there’s a bit of variety, but it just feels good to know that soup is ready whenever I need it.

2. Twinkle lights unrelated to Christmas decor can cheer up the gloomiest days.

Fall can feel a bit dark and dreary, so last Christmas, I asked Ben to buy me a string of twinkle lights that I left up in my kitchen window all year long. On those cloudy days after time change this fall, it was amazing how it cheered me up to plug those sparkly lights in. Some little lights go a long way.

3. An open window early in the morning is peaceful.

I’ve been told that one of the best things you can do for your health is go outside first thing in the morning. I did this all summer, but when the weather got cold, it got a lot harder. So I started opening the window (while sitting with my feet on the vent blasting hot air!). It’s so still and quiet, except for all the birds. It quickly became one of my favourite parts of the day.

Now that it’s a lot colder, I’ll need to get myself outside instead of letting all the cold air in, but it was delightful while it lasted!

4. The Mute setting on Instagram is a useful tool.

People get to choose what they want to share on social media, but I get to choose whether I’m going to read it or not. Social media has been a lot this year, hasn’t it? Some of it has been beautiful and life-giving, and some has been negative and life-sucking.

This fall, I reached a point where enough was enough. I don’t have enough energy to deal with bad energy. I know this is the point when a lot of people sign off of social media for good, but that also eliminates all the good that can happen there.

This is when the mute option is powerful. I started paying attention to how instagram posts made me feel, and if there was even a twinge of yuckiness, that account got muted. No one ever has to know the particulars of who you mute. It doesn’t need to make us feel guilty, because we all have a choice about what we lay eyes on. I take back that choice.

5. The “I’m Bored List” may be the smartest parenting tool I’ve ever thought up.

When Everett’s friends went back to school in September, he felt lost and lonely. He had forgotten how to entertain himself, and he was convinced it was my job to figure out the solution to this problem.

He got very whiney and demanding, and I quickly got tired of hearing “I’m bored!!!!”

So one day we sat down to make a list. We thought up every single thing there is to do in our house, and I drew pictures of everything. We hung up our huge list, and for days after, every time Everett would say, “I’m bored!” I would remind him of the list, and he would look over it until he found something to do.

The best part is that it reset his habit, so now he doesn’t use his list much anymore, but he doesn’t expect me to solve his entertainment problem anymore. Highly recommend.

6. Essential oils are much more useful than I thought.

I’ve played around with essential oils for years, but this fall I discovered a new essential oil company that is changing everything I’ve thought about oils.

I listened to a podcast interview with Jodi Cohen, the owner of Vibrant Blue Oils, and as soon as it was over, I immediately placed an order. I NEVER act that quickly, but she convinced me 100% that she knew her stuff, and I needed her oils.

I’ve been dealing with adrenal fatigue for most of the year, and it’s been rough. I’ve been exhausted, and so anxious that for a few months, I had panic attacks every day. It was indescribably horrible, and I was desperate to get my body back into balance. I was doing the whole herbs and supplements thing, which was helping, but progress was slow and I was frustrated.

In the interview I listened to, Jodi Cohen specifically talked about anxiety and adrenal fatigue, so I ordered the two blends she developed for those issues (Parasympathetic and Adrenal). When I started using them, I experienced some strong detox symptoms for about three days, and then I felt this dramatic jump in energy, while at the same time an increase in calmness.

I didn’t have another panic attack until I ran out of essential oils. When the panic attacks started up again, it was obvious how much the oils had been helping, so I quickly ordered another round, and don’t plan to run out again!

Vibrant Blue Oils has blends for all kinds of specific issues, like sleep, inflammation, hormones, histamine reactions, focus/attention issues, PMS, migraines…the list goes on and on! They only sell a few individual oils, because their focus is therapeutic blends that work better than anything I’ve ever tried.

I love them so much, I signed up to be an affiliate, so that I could get more information on sales and stuff. Right now, there is a 25% off sale happening for the next couple of weeks, so if you have a specific health issue that could use some essential oils, you can check them out here! There’s no multi-level marketing or anything – anyone can order whenever, no pressure! (Other than this great sale ending!)

And those are the highlights for fall! What have you been learning or discovering?

Anika Turns Sixteen

Anika turned sixteen this week. I’m trying really hard not to slip into the whole theme of “HOW can she be SIXTEEN??!! I remember my sweet baby, and what it felt like to be a new mom, and she is growing up too fast…” etc, etc. I’ve been thinking a lot about how that’s all focusing on me freaking out because she’s growing up, and not about celebrating the person she is becoming. Those are thoughts to work through some other time, because our sweet sixteen year old should most definitely be celebrated!

Ben keeps playing the song “Sweet Sixteen” because he delights in Anika’s reaction. She delights in rising to the occasion. And I delight in watching her – watching her change, watching her grow, and getting these glimpses of what’s to come.

She’s been the one who’s taught us a lot – first kid, going through all the stages for the first time. I often tell people that she’s been very easy on us. Not a lot of teenage angst around here. (Hormones aplenty, but we can deal with that!) She’s always been mature for her age, pretty much from the womb, which has helped. We could reason with her already when she was two, so we haven’t really hit anything that couldn’t be talked through. Sometimes it takes a lot of talking, but she’s teaching me the art of agreeing to disagree.

Once when we were discussing a clothing issue, she gave in to my guidelines so easily, I was surprised. “Don’t you disagree with me?” I asked. “Of course I do,” she replied, matter of factly. “But it’s not that long until I’m 18, and then I can do whatever I want. I can wait.”

I know that in the world of social media, it’s pretty easy to make everything sound perfect. Obviously, nothing is perfect, and we’ve hit a few bumps during these teenage years, but for the most part, it has been delightful.

In the language of Myers Briggs and all things personality type, Anika is a thinker surrounded by a bunch of feelers in this home. (We’re fairly sure Everett will follow in her footsteps, but time will tell.) Everyone has feelings, of course, but thinkers will put them lower on the list of priorities. Anika will often calmly evaluate a situation, and bluntly call things exactly as they are, and cut right through the muddled mess in my head. She gets a bit annoyed when people respond with too much emotion. I’m still learning how to speak her language, because it doesn’t come naturally (it’s ALL about the feelings for me!!!!), but it has taught me a lot about how people communicate in different ways. I enjoy her perspective.

As we move towards a different stage of parenting, the long talks at bedtime explore different topics, the inside jokes keep growing, and I remind myself to soak it all in.This year has brought huge changes and new experiences into Anika’s life – her first job, learning how to drive, going on her first missions trip, touring with choir, going to the Counselor in Training program at Red Rock Bible Camp and being gone from home for the longest stretch yet. It is fun and exciting and a little bit scary and hard, but so rewarding. I love seeing the direction this is all going. I’m so proud of her, and just really thankful that we get to be her parents.

This week, Ben and I are taking her out on a birthday date, just the three of us. It’s funny to think that for many years, we thought that’s how things would always be – just the three of us. I’m so very thankful God chose to make Anika a big sister, because it’s formed who she is, but also because Kaylia and Everett are so blessed to have a big sister like her.

It warms my heart when she comes home and needs to tell Kaylia all her secrets, or when Everett shows me dance moves Anika has taught him (completely hilarious). She might regularly drive him to frustration because of her many requests for hugs and kisses, but at least he’ll know how to sing all the greatest Broadway hits.

So this week, we celebrate Anika, delight in all the things that make her Anika, and ignore the fact that this is all going by much too quickly, because right now, it is the time to party.Happy birthday, Anika!!!

6 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

This week marks 19 blissful years of being married to Ben!

A young couple recently asked for our best advice on how to have a good relationship. I guess I choked under pressure, because this is the answer I gave: “Being married to Ben is just really easy! I don’t have any advice.”They seemed disappointed with that answer, with good reason. That answer is helpful for exactly…no one.It’s haunted me ever since!! I’ve wanted another chance to do better, and I’ve thought about what answer I would give, if I could do it over.It is easy to be married to Ben – he’s super easygoing, very patient and kind, and the most selfless person I know. He’s tons of fun to be with, and makes me laugh all the time.Our marriage isn’t always perfect, but we’re very compatible, and that helps! Maybe my marriage advice is “Date very, very carefully!!”Beyond that, there are a few other things I would say, if I could have another chance to answer the question:

1) There is no other option.

Ben and I both committed to this relationship for life, so we will make it work. I think that changes everything about how a couple faces hard stuff. If you have to make it work, you will do everything in your power to do so. If there’s another option, it will affect whatever you do.

It’s like my planking challenge that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago – my muscle therapist once told me, “Never start planking until you’ve decided how long you’re going to go. You need to have that number in your mind before you even start.” Same with marriage! 😄

*I feel the need to acknowledge there are circumstances when this is not possible, and there are many, many stories out there full of pain and suffering. Obviously, life happens, and heartbreak doesn’t need judgement on top of it, so that is not my intention. Just wanting to promote an attitude of commitment, with a huge dose of love, grace, and empathy for those who didn’t get their happily ever after.

2) Pray together, even when you don’t feel like it.

When I was growing up, my parents prayed together every night. I always knew that if I went to their bedroom after they had gone to bed, I would find them reading the Bible together, and praying. There was nothing that made me feel as secure as knowing I would find them there together. I loved to crawl into bed between them and have them pray for me.

I thought all Christian couples did that, because it was so normal for me, so when Ben and I got married, that’s what we did. But over the years, I found out that my experience growing up had not been “normal” and I realized what a gift my parents gave to me with the example they set.

Ben and I have stuck with this, and it is such an important part of staying connected to each other, and to God.Sometimes, I do not want to do it. If I’ve had a really bad day, Ben has sometimes just prayed for me. But most of the time, we make it work. It’s difficult to pray together when we’re frustrated about something, so it means we have to work it out before we go to sleep.

It is not always easy, but it’s worth it.

3) Make time together that nothing else can interfere with.

This is easier now because Everett needs to be in bed by eight, so we have to be home a lot in the evenings, but it was harder before having kids. Life got so busy, we would go for long stretches of time without having an evening at home together.

But then I read a book about managing your home, and it included a chapter on scheduling. The author suggested that every couple or family needs at least two weeknights and one weekend night at home, in order to keep life balanced and under control. This may not work for everyone, but we started scheduling these times in. It was HARD, but we found that it made a huge difference for how connected we felt (especially for me, because my love language is quality time!).

But we also found that we had to keep it a secret from some people, because others wouldn’t always see it as “necessary”, and thought we should be meeting demands from other people instead of guarding our time so carefully. But we kept it a priority, and all these years later, we still keep an eye on the calendar, to set aside that time together.

Because our girls don’t go to bed at eight, we make sure to send quality time with them, and then they spend time in their rooms, reading and unwinding before bedtime, which allows Ben and me to have time together in the evening without it getting too late.This has worked very well for our family, and I would do it all over again. Guard your time, because no one else will do it for you!!

4) Honour each other with your words.

Ben and I try very hard not to say negative things about each other. We don’t make mean jokes, and we don’t use sarcasm. I can be critical about stuff in general if I’m not careful, but this one has always been a big deal to me in our relationship.

It probably stems from the example of my parents, as well as being in ministry for the first 10 years of our marriage. Setting a positive example in our relationship has always been a big deal, because other couples have done that for us. It’s not that we’re perfect, but it’s something we hold as important.

5) Work together.

One of my favourite things at Ben’s parents’ house is the way they make meals together. Ben’s dad especially loves to cook, but it’s always a joint effort, and I like watching them work together.

At our house, I usually do the cooking because Ben is working and I’m home all day, but if he’s around, he will always help get meals ready. When he notices that I’m getting overwhelmed by the mess in our house, he’ll round up the kids and be the energetic leader we need to get things cleaned up quickly.

It’s just more fun to work at things together.

6) Leave room for different ways of working through and expressing emotions.

This was my biggest lesson this last year. It’s taken me a long time to figure out that some people want to talk about their feelings, and others DO NOT. And that’s okay!I am a verbal processor. Sometimes I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling until I’ve been able to talk about it. I feel so much better if I can get it all out, have a good cry, and clear my head.

Ben is the opposite. Most of the time, he does not want to talk about his feelings. He needs a chance to think through things before he’s ready to share anything. This is super hard for me, because I’ve always felt like I’m showing love and concern by asking him about how he’s doing. I actually feel cut off from him if he won’t tell me about how he’s feeling.

This last year especially, it became clear that we needed to get better at dealing with this difference in our relationship. Here are a few tips we figured out:

• Be honest. It is helpful for me when I ask Ben something and he says, “I will answer that question, but I don’t feel like talking about it right now.” I can’t read his mind, so I appreciate when he communicates clearly with me.
• Don’t take it personally. I’ve had to work hard at understanding that Ben is just different from me. He’s not trying to shut me out, he just needs time to be quiet with his feelings, as much as I need to talk mine out!!
• Be brief. Sometimes I’ve felt so worried about Ben, I’ve really wanted to know if he’s okay, and how I can pray for him. But I also want to respect his need for space. A compromise that’s helped is asking him to give me one sentence summing up how he’s doing, and then dropping the subject. It helps him to know we won’t dig into his feelings, but he can still honour my need to know where he’s at.
• Find other ways to show support. During rough times for Ben, I want him to feel like I care, but if I can’t show that by listening and talking through emotions, I try to look for other things he appreciates. I turn the lights on outside if he’s getting home after dark, just to make our home look more welcoming. I make sure his comfy sweat pants are clean and in the drawer so he can find them easily. I keep the container of homemade granola filled and ready for his favourite snack. Basically, I do anything I can think of to care for his physical needs, because I can’t do much to help with his mental or emotional needs.

These things have helped a lot, and I always appreciate when Ben talks about issues even when he doesn’t feel like it, because he’s also making an effort to adapt to my way of dealing with things.

That’s what I’ve learned after 19 years! A lot of this is wisdom we’ve learned from other couples we know, or from good books we’ve read, so I’m very thankful for the positive influences we’ve had throughout our marriage.

I’m also just really thankful for how fun it is to be married to Ben! We’ve had good, good years together. There have been some hard things to work through, like my health issues, miscarriages, infertility, and some tough transitions throughout the years. But when I look back, I’m really thankful for everything we’ve gone through together, and for all the lessons learned. We have a beautiful life together!

Kaylia Turns 10

Kaylia had her birthday last week. On the day of her party, this is where we were at:

The next day, I asked her, “So, was your party as good as you hoped it would be?” She sighed dreamily, and said, “It was even BETTER!!!!”

I feel like that is a very accurate example of what life is like with Kaylia – always full of elaborate ideas, but completely overjoyed with the smallest, simplest things. It doesn’t take much to make her very happy. Hers is a life of extremes.

She lives in the most colourful, imaginative world in her mind, where anything is possible and everything is beautiful, and my biggest challenge as her mom is helping to navigate through the emotions when her world collides with reality.

Kaylia leaves behind her a trail of paper, glue, tape, and fabric scraps. When she’s not producing elaborate craft projects or Lego creations, she is curled up with a book in a nest of pillows and blankets, or she’s playing with friends, moving all of her sewing projects and painted rock collections outside to build elaborate setups on our front step. I was not surprised to find pieces of felt in my flower pots. I don’t know what their purpose was, but I’m guessing some kind of toy had a bed or nest or den in my plants.

Kaylia has the softest, kindest heart. She can coax Everett to come around to any idea, no matter how stubborn his mood. She is a faithful and devoted fan of her big sister, and is always a willing listener and cheerleader.

Her thoughts run deep, and she is constantly surprising us with what surfaces after she’s had enough time to process things.

Her plans for the future include getting married, having kids, homeschooling them, and teaching art lessons in her home.

Whether that comes to pass or not, I am quite sure her life will include all the colourful dreams and creativity that she can possibly fit into it.

Ten years with our sweet girl! It’s always an adventure.

Choosing Peace During Uncertainty

Yesterday, I shared the exciting news that Ben has a new job, but if you’ve ever taken a huge leap of faith, then you’ll know there’s always a story lurking behind a neat and tidy announcement.

Today I want to share a bit more about what we’ve been going through the last few months, as we’ve waited, prayed, and tried not to agonize over the whole process.

Late last fall, Ben decided to resign from his position as Executive Director of the Steinbach Chamber of Commerce. It was a hard decision, for many reasons, and it was a stressful time. He had some ideas about what could come next, but we didn’t know if anything would pan out. There was a lot of uncertainty and financial questions, and all the kind of stuff that makes me very anxious, because I do not have Ben’s gift of embracing the unknown as an adventure. He was excited, and I was a mess. I went through a bad stretch for a few weeks, and things felt very dark. My health took a big hit from the stress, and I was struggling badly to get my footing.

But one night when I was kneeling down to pray about our situation, it became extremely clear to me that something needed to change. I was so incredibly miserable and desperate, and I reached a point of just knowing I couldn’t go on dealing so poorly with the stress of it all – not now, not ever. I was suddenly overcome with an intense desire to be free from the thought patterns and worry habits that have controlled me for most of my life.

Suddenly, I got this very clear, kind of strange picture: I saw a bubble, like the kind our kids blow in the summer, that floats aimlessly on the breeze, gently bobbing around until it finally twirls over the neighbor’s fence and disappears. Our family was in that bubble, bobbing along, without a care in the world. I could see everything passing by us, but it felt a bit distant, because we were safe and sheltered and separated from it all by that bubble.

Photo by fotografierende from Pexels

And just like that, the fear and anxiety were gone. For weeks after, I bobbed along in that bubble. My thoughts and emotions were changed in an instant, and it took absolutely no effort for me to stay in that place of peace and calm trust.

I’ve never felt that way in my life, and it was heavenly. I never wanted it to change. I bobbed right through Christmas, amazed that life without a paycheck could be so relaxing!

Then January hit, and my bubble burst hard. It was a harsh return to handling things the old way, and it was terrible. For two weeks, I tried to get my bubble back, but it was just gone. It felt as though God had removed His protection from me, and I was disappointed and confused. But one day as I was praying about the whole thing, I realized that God had never removed it – silly me, in all my humanness, had somehow gotten the idea that I didn’t really need the bubble so much anymore. Surely once Christmas was over, Ben would quickly find a job, and this hard time would soon be over. I had climbed out all by myself.

When I realized this, I knew I didn’t want to handle stress the old way, on my own. I was ready to climb back into my bubble, and there I stayed. I’m still bobbing along. Sometimes the temptation to take things into my own hands and get lost in worry comes creeping back, but the more time passes in my bubble, the less appealing the old way feels to me. I can usually catch myself pretty quickly when I start down that path, because it feels so panicky and miserable. I try to spend time praying and getting my focus back on God’s protection and provision, and off we go again. There’s only room for one day at a time in the bubble!

That may sound ridiculous, but it’s what’s working for me right now. Or maybe it sounds too easy, and it is and it’s not, at the same time. I have to be hyper-vigilant about staying in a good place. If I let my guard down for a moment, I’m sucked into the old mess, but if I stay focused, I can stay in my beautiful, safe bubble. In the beginning, I think God was just gracious with me, and I could stay there without trying, but now it takes effort. Overall, I’m learning that it’s much easier to stay there than to try to get back there after the damage has begun.

It’s hard to explain it without it sounding too simplistic – although we’re called to faith like a child, so maybe it’s okay for it to sound very simple. And maybe it sounds like I’m trying to be oblivious to real life, but it’s not that, either. It’s more like a visual reminder for me, in my head, to protect myself from mentally running too far into the future. The bubble is about staying in the moment, and trusting that God will carry us where we need to go. I still have rough moments, but I’m learning to choose peace instead of worry.

Now, while all my lessons in bubble floating were going on, God was up to something else. On the morning of the very same day Ben resigned from his job, a man from our church was on vacation, taking a stroll with his wife. He had started a consulting company two years previously, and had been on his own journey of trusting God, as he developed a company focused on leadership training and team building.

As Darrell and Elaine walked along that morning, he said to her, “I think God is leading me to get a partner.” And that afternoon, Ben happened to email Darrell to say he had resigned from the Chamber.

They met for coffee numerous times those first weeks, but I was not excited. Out of all the employment options Ben was considering, this one scared me the most, because it didn’t involve a regular, dependable paycheck. It was by far the riskiest option, and it was the one Ben was most drawn to. He would come back from coffee with Darrell, bursting with ideas and enthusiasm, and I would pretend to be interested until I just couldn’t fake it anymore, and then there would be tears and panic. (Obviously, I was a very lovely, supportive person to live with during that stretch!?)

Part of the reason I was so nervous was because Ben was so excited about something that felt very unpredictable. He’s talked about this kind of opportunity ever since he got his Masters in Leadership years ago, and it’s what he’s wanted to do most. But we weren’t planning on it happening right now. It was always a dream for the future, when we would hopefully be more financially stable, and our kids would be older. Yet here it was, and I didn’t want him following a dream. I just wanted a regular paycheck, so we could feel safe and secure – not in a worldly way, of course, just a practical way, I’d tell myself.

But Ben’s enthusiasm did not disappear, so one day I prayed, “God, if you want this to happen, change my heart.”

And then I promptly forgot about praying it, because I knew it would never happen!

Fast forward a couple of months, along with all of my bubble dwelling, and one afternoon, Ben and I were driving around running errands, discussing his employment options. He had kept moving forward in discussions with Darrell, but after awhile, he began to get cold feet. “It’s the riskiest option,” he said. “Maybe it’s best just to forget it.”

And then I forgot about this being the moment I’d been waiting for, and instead of agreeing with him, I passionately responded with something like this: “Ben, it’s your DREAM!!! It’s what you’ve wanted to do for years, it’s exactly what you’re gifted at, and who cares if it’s risky!!! We’ll find a way to make it work in the beginning until things get easier. When you look back in 20 years, you’ll wish you would have done it. We should just trust God, and go for it!!!!!!”

And suddenly, after months of not thinking about it, that desperate little prayer popped into my head, and I thought, “Oh my goodness, who am I, and what am I saying???!!!” The miraculous had happened, and my heart had changed.

From that point on, I was in. As a friend said, “This whole thing smells like the Holy Spirit!” And that’s really how it felt.

It wasn’t an easy decision process, though, because it was a big decision to make, and Ben loves to take a looooooong time making up his mind, but none of that bothered me very much, in my bubble. I just had peace because I knew it would all work out somehow, and then finally it did.

Ben and Darrell officially became partners just over a month ago, and God is good, and I want to stay in my bubble forever! We feel really blessed and thankful to Darrell and Elaine for their part in this process. They opened up the business they started from scratch, and we’re excited to experience this adventure with them.

So that’s what we’ve been up to for the last six months – a lot of growing, transitioning, and learning to trust. It’s been hard, rich, and very good. There’s still a lot of work and trust that needs to happen, but right now, we celebrate the start of something new and exciting!

To see what Ben is up to, check out the SCOPE website.

Ben’s New Job!

We’re walking around here feeling like our load is much, much lighter these days, because Ben got a job! It’s been quite a journey over these last few months, and it feels like I’ve been waiting to write this post for a long time, to share what God has been doing. I’m so delighted to finally be able to do so!

Late last fall, Ben decided to resign from his role as Executive Director at the Steinbach Chamber of Commerce to explore new opportunities. It was a hard decision, for many reasons, and it was a stressful time. He was excited about a number of potential new directions, but we didn’t know if anything would pan out. There was a lot of uncertainty and financial questions, and all the kind of stuff which makes me very anxious, because I do not have Ben’s gift of embracing the unknown as an adventure. He was excited, and I was a mess. I’ll post more tomorrow about what God’s been teaching us during this past season of waiting, uncertainty, and trusting Him to lead us.

But for today, I’m excited to share that Ben has recently joined SCOPE Leadership Development as a partner with Darrell Kehler, who began the company just over two years ago. SCOPE has been growing, and right around the time Ben resigned from the Chamber, Darrell was considering expanding. Just over a month ago they shook hands to finalize months of discussions.

Ben has talked about this kind of opportunity ever since he got his Masters in Leadership years ago. It didn’t happen in the way we expected, but it’s exciting to see how God has worked out the details.

If you happen to know of anybody needing a team of the best consultants ever, you can check out their website right here, or head on over to Facebook. Be sure to follow their page to see some of the exciting things they’re up to!