Sweet friends. It is with growing excitement, as well as a fair amount of lingering shock, that I give you this news: We are having a baby!!
I know. Me too! We thought we were done. I didn’t want to be done, but I really thought we were.
I always said that when I turned 35, I’d stop hoping.
Well, last summer, I turned 35, so I went to all of my therapists, and asked them, “Is it possible for me to have a baby?” Most of them said, “Absolutely not.”
So I went home, had my cry, and tried to put away those baby dreams, once and for all.
I started selling a few things, here and there.
I donated a large amount of baby clothes to the ministry that lives in our basement.:)
And I asked Ben for a special gift for Christmas – a necklace with our girls’ names on it, as a symbol that our family was done, and I was blessed and content.
I really was.
God was so gracious and good, and He gave me true rest and joy in my heart during that season.
But then December happened, and I felt God saying He was going to heal me. The first Sunday in December, we went to our friends’ church for a baby dedication. There was a choir singing on stage that morning, and I noticed a woman, very pregnant, and singing with obvious joy and abandon. And suddenly, a picture zipped through my mind of me being like that woman – very pregnant, singing God’s praise with a smile on my face and my arms in the air.
It took my breath away, and then I thought, “Oh, no, not again!” I had worked so hard to surrender all of that, and I didn’t want to go back to the longing. I wanted to be content.
I tried to just give that vision to God, and I prayed, “Whatever you want, God. If you heal me, just do whatever you want.” And I put it aside.
Well, January came, and something had happened in my body. So I went back to the therapists, and asked again, “Can I have a baby now?” And they said yes!
I rushed home to tell Ben the good news, and he said blankly, “We want a baby??”
And I said, “We don’t want a baby??”
Turns out, I’d spent 5 years hoping for a miracle, and Ben had put it out of his mind, because he just doesn’t worry or dwell on things. When the topic of another baby had come up, he never had a lot to say, except, “I’d be sad if I knew we were never having another baby.”
But now, he said he just wasn’t sure if he could go through all that again – infertility and miscarriages and all the rest was hard on both of us, but he didn’t think he could watch me go through it again.
I tried to explain to him how I felt – I didn’t know if I really wanted a baby – I just knew I wanted to let go, and stop being in control, and just let God decide the future of our family. I wanted to know when I’m eighty years old that we had at least tried. I wanted no regrets.
Ben said he was 60% happy with our family just the way it was, and 40% wanted another baby.
In my mind, I thought, “Hey, we’re only 10% away from agreement! Surely I can swing him over…”
But Ben does not like being swung. God knew this, and took pity on him…:)
A few days later, I was at my weekly Bible study, and God spoke to me. Loud and clear. There were three parts to the message:
“Surrender your desire for a baby to me.
Submit to Ben’s desires for your family.”
And then I saw a picture of a branch of fall leaves.
I was a little heartbroken, and a little in awe of how God had spoken to me, and really confused about the branch of leaves. I kept wondering, “What’s up with fall?? Will this all make sense to me in fall? What will God reveal to me in fall????”
I went home and told Ben what God had said to me. He thanked me for choosing to obey, and was relieved.
And then I went about the work of trying to surrender. That is HARD WORK!!! But it was during this time that I wrote the post about God’s burden being light. He really carried me through that time. I can honestly say I gave that desire fully to Him. I wasn’t expecting in any way that I was giving it up so that He’d give it back to me, or fulfill it. I honestly thought we were done.
But two weeks later, we sat on our couch with a positive pregnancy test, in complete shock. I don’t know when I’ve ever been so surprised in my life.
And wouldn’t you know, this baby is due in fall. God’s got an awesome sense of humor, hey?! (“What’s with the fall leaves??!!”)
Since then, God has been providing for us in pretty awesome ways. I’ve been grossly sick, but I lived through a ladies retreat, as well as two other speaking engagements, which was pretty miraculous, considering that most days, I lay around from morning till night, wondering how we’d ever reach the end of the first trimester.
God has been at work in me – and not just creating our third little miracle baby! He’s been teaching me A TON about trusting Him, and learning to let Him carry me through the fear, doubt, and uncertainty of this first trimester, bumping into all the emotional scars left by the two miscarriages I went through a few years ago. BUT…that’s a long story that I’ll save for another day.:) He is so good, and I’m so overwhelmed by the awesome way He is able to carry us through our struggles!
AND I’m overwhelmed by the fact that He has chosen to bless us again with another sweet baby. I heard the heartbeat today for the first time, and first I laughed, and then I cried, and now, I just feel ready to celebrate!!
God works and speaks and heals and moves in the most unexpected ways!