I was once mocked a little for actually believing that God speaks to people.
This person made it sound like it was absolutely ridiculous to believe that a huge, all-powerful God would want to have a personal relationship with people. Ridiculous that He would ever want to speak to me.
This person said, “Look at the moon. We can’t even begin to understand how it was created, never mind understanding the one who created it. Tell me how you can ever know God?”
This person did not doubt God’s existence – he just doubted the fact that God wants a relationship with us, and that He speaks to us.
And I couldn’t answer his questions. I don’t know how we can ever really know God, or understand His ways. I learned from reading King Lear that the more I learn, the less I know. It’s true – especially when it comes to God.
He is so far above me that I can’t comprehend it. And yet I still believe that He speaks to me.
He spoke to me as I was sitting on my bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably after I had my first miscarriage. Ben and Anika were asleep, and I was alone with my Father, who saw that fragile new life end, and saw all hope leave me.
And then He spoke. He said, “That was your baby boy- but you will have a baby girl.”
The words just popped into my head, and I thought to myself, “God just spoke to me.”
And then I thought, “No, He didn’t, that’s crazy. I’m crazy.”
A few months later, He spoke again. I was crying and praying, and begging God to give us a baby, and as clear as anything, the words came: “Wait on God.” And it was like a promise – the baby was coming.
That night I believed it. The next morning I did not.
I spent 3 1/2 years waiting to find out if God had actually spoken to me, or if I was just imagining things.
We had another miscarriage, and then I gave up. I wanted to believe that God speaks and promises and moves in my life, but….it just didn’t feel like it.
I could not go on anymore, so we decided that we were done with fertility treatments and waiting and wanting. We would be satisfied with one child.
One wonderful little girl, who was praying every night that God would give her a little sister.
Those prayers broke my heart, because I didn’t know if I believed anymore that they would help anything.
Sometimes I had hope. Sometimes I believed that God had really spoken to me.
Lots of times I was just a mess.
And it all hurt too much, so that’s why we decided we were done. And a few weeks later I was holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand.
People thought we must be very excited, and that our faith in God must be huge after our miracle, but those 3 1/2 years had taken their toll. It took me a long time to heal emotionally. And I was very cautious.
Many times it looked like we would lose that baby as well.
And I was convinced that it was a boy. Even when I was pregnant, I still didn’t really believe that God had spoken to me.
Almost everyone thought it was a boy, except for Anika. She had such a simple faith. There was no doubt in her mind that God was answering her prayer for a baby sister.
I tried to prepare her for a baby brother.
And then came that moment when the baby was born, and the doctor held her up and announced that it was a girl.
I was completely shocked. But why? God had told me so.
And now we have a little Kaylia running around everyday, a constant reminder that God still does miracles today, and yet I’m still confused about prayer and faith and hearing God’s voice.
I once read that sometimes when God speaks to us, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to do anything about it. Sometimes He tells us things so that when they happen, we will remember what He said He would do, and then we recognize that it is an act of God. This is what He spoke of long ago. He did what He said He would do.
I never told a lot of people that God had spoken to me and told me that I would have a baby girl. I was far too unsure about the whole thing.
If I could go back and do things differently, I would have had more faith. More trust. Not that I could have known without a doubt that I understood what God was up to, but more faith that my life is in His hands, and that He will take care of me.
I always thought to myself that if we ever really would have a baby girl, I would tell everyone what God had done for us.
Her name was planned long before she was born. “Kaylia” is a name that Anika made up one day while she was playing with her paperdolls. I looked it up on the internet, but couldn’t find it. I did find out that “Kay” means “rejoice”. I liked that.
Kaylia has two middle names – Isabelle Hope. “Isabelle” means “the fulfillment of God’s promise”.
So if you put all of those names together, Kaylia Isabelle Hope is our way of saying “We rejoice for the fulfillment of God’s promise that we hoped for”.
When you look at the moon, and you look at a miraculous new baby, you realize all over again that God is too huge and awesome and incredible to ever really know or fully understand.
And I don’t understand how He speaks or moves in the lives of people. I just know that He does.
I know that as I cried for a baby, He cared. He “remembered me”, just like He remembered Hannah in the book of Samuel.
And what about all the women in the world who cry for babies and never get them? Or people who long to hear His voice but He never seems to speak?
I don’t know. All I know is that He loves us far more than we can ever understand. He loves me. He loved me even when there was no Kaylia. He saw me, He heard me. If Kaylia had never come, I would still have hung on to His love. I had already decided that.
Maybe that’s all we can do sometimes – hang on, because He’s coming. Keep asking, because He hears. Keep waiting, because sometime, somehow, He will do something. And it will be good.