As I sit here writing this, my sweet baby girl is in her crib, absolutely FREAKING out. I’ve never seen her like this. Her reason? I wouldn’t let her go into Natasha’s house, and I made her come inside our house because I needed to make supper.
You wouldn’t really think she has it in her, but she does. She’s a feisty one. And that’s a good thing, but it does have a down side, as I am hearing right now.
She comes by it honestly, as they say. I used to put on a good show when I was her age, I’ve been told. My sister always jokingly (?) said that it was really unfair that Anika was such a perfectly obedient child when she was little, because I needed payback for all that I put our parents through.
Now she doesn’t need to feel that way anymore, because Kaylia is doing her part to challenge my parenting skills.
I think I turned out okay, so I’m not too worried about Kaylia. And I’m looking forward to all of the positive stuff that comes with the determination and gumption that she is already displaying at such a young age. And when she’s happy, as she is almost all the time, she really is the sweetest little girl.
It’s kind of funny, because I listen to her screaming in her crib, and I realize that I still have “tantrums” – I’ve just learned to have them in a slightly more acceptable form. I have my mind set on what I think would be a good idea, and if it can’t happen, I get all grumpy and sulky about it, and I am in a bad mood about it until I can spend enough time alone to pray and work it out, to get to the point where I finally surrender everything to God, for the millionth time.
I go into Kaylia’s room to see if she’s ready to come out, and she screams “no” and jerks away from me, still lying there wailing in her crib.
And I do that, too, in a way. I know that God is always there, and He offers me all the peace and joy I could ever want, but it takes a little while until I’m ready to give up my way, and accept His.
Then finally, Kaylia’s crying calms down. She lies there listening to the stories Anika reads to her, and starts asking for milk. She lets me pick her up, and her face is all red, and her nose is runny. It takes her a little while to recover from her “episode”.
And I’m like that, too. I finally reach a point where my way doesn’t seem so important. My energy and emotions are spent, and I finally open up to God and let Him come in to soothe me. My emotions are a little shaky, and I’m a little embarrassed for taking so long to figure things out. But I’m back on the right track.
I think that David kind of had tantrums, too. There are some Psalms that definitely sound like tantrums. That doesn’t mean that it’s behavior to strive for, but I do think it means that God can handle it.
My favorite part is that David prayed for a “steadfast heart.” I read once that it’s okay to have ups and downs in our relationship with God, but that we can all pray for a steadfast heart, like David did. And as we grow, we’ll steady out a bit, and not be on such an emotional rollercoaster, but rather move towards continual reliance and closeness to God, without as many deep, dark valleys – or maybe with more of an understanding that God is in the deep dark valleys, and then even those aren’t so bad.
Hmm, maybe tantrums can be my new reminder to pray for a steadfast heart, and a deeper knowledge of God’s presence in my valleys… Then I’ll actually want Kaylia to have them more often!